bella luna

how is it that children can make the most complicated of things seem so simple?

maybe that's why i wanted to start working with children. i guess to them everything is simple. if i like you, i will share my crayons with you and give you a bit of my apple. if i don't then i simply won't play with you. if i am happy, i will show it, but if i'm upset i will just cry or frown. when i want something i will verbalise it. if i feel something, i will tell the people around me. everything just seems so simple for them.

but in the adult world, if i like you, i'm too shy to show it, for fear of losing face. if i don't like you, sometimes i gotta pretend to like you for work's sake. if i am upset i gotta hide it cos it might provoke too many questions. when i want something, i gotta think of different means and ways to portray it in such a way that doesn't make me seem selfish. if i feel something, i gotta think first about the consequences of what i want to say. everything is so much more complex.

so i guess that's why children's innocence is so precious. once that innocence is gone, the simple joys seem to become complicated affairs.

jeez.

why can't everything be simpler. plain black and white.

was talking to faz. maaaaaan. so nostalgic.

i wonder when it turned formal? have i just become a messenger?

went to sha's house just now. her house is so niceeeeee. so pretty. i like :) had a great time catching up with them! and the food was SOOOOOO GOOOOD! haha. yay! sha and janey is love.

it's like alphabet soup. there are so many letters, but they don't make sense.


why does it feel robotic? obligatory?

doubt i'm making sense.

jeeeez.

i'm feeling so. so. so. i don't know how to describe.

imagine growing up with a dad who's a criminal but pretending to be a victim. scary huh.

you can never know the true intentions of people. how about being two-faced. it's scary. one minute he's one helluva nice guy and the next minute he's putting a knife to your throat. and all this in front of a little kid.

this kid is probably going to grow up traumatized. acting out at every opportunity. learning the ways of violence from his father. and then going on to follow in his father's foot steps. that's what saddens me. or it could turn out good. that he sees how his father turned out and not wanting to go down that path, making sure that he does no harm to anyone. that's what gives me hope.

okay, i'm rambling.

i know what i'm feeling. i'm feeling unsettled. i think.

children are impressionable. yes they are.

jeez.

i'm feeling jumpy.

and very not satisfied.

like there's something missing. like some big piece of the jigsaw puzzle is lost.

hmm.

anyhoo.

sometimes i feel like it's not my life i'm leading. like sometimes i just want to be told what to do. maybe people get tired of living every once in awhile. maybe they get tired cos what they're doing is not what they want out of their life. i hope i don't end up like that.

what do you want to be in 5 years? happy.

why is it something can make you so angry yet so happy at the same time! why is it that when you want to be angry something always makes you smile! and there's no outlet for that anger, and it just gets tucked away, which then builds up even bigger and stronger till the next time you explode, and then people think you're being unreasonable. why is it that people get annoyed at you for getting angry, but think that it's perfectly fine when they throw a tantrum. and what more expect you to put up with that tantrum, and comfort them and tell them what they wanna hear.

so then people get taken advantage of. and then, those people are too nice to say anything. why? because they're just too nice, and that's one of the reasons(possibly) why they get taken advantage of. and then those bastards don't give a shit about other people's feelings.

and you know how when someone asks to give you a hand, you say no cos you feel that you might get used to people helping you all the time, and that would make you spoilt. so you say no to try and keep yourself grounded. and then it becomes a habit till you get so buried in your work, and no one can get you out of the mountain of work that you have buried yourself under. and then you still have to put up with people saying things about you, like how you're too proud to accept help from anyone, and how you think you're so good that you just wanna do everything yourself. and that makes you bitter. and that makes you think why the hell do i need other people when i'm perfectly capable of doing this on my own, and then that really turns you into someone full of pride who refuses to acknowledge help.

and then people start to talk about you even more, and how you're such a selfish bitch that needs no one, and that you're cold and heartless. and cos you don't accept help, they daren't ask you for help. and that too becomes a habit, and then you stop helping people. and when you do help someone, they would think that you're only doing so that you can benefit, and not cos you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart, and then that really makes you selfish, only helping people when you feel that you can get something good out of it.

and then of course because of all these negative traits, people refuse to look past the hard exterior and deem you to be the ice queen of the office, and then you lose your social life cos no one wants to be seen with you, or dares to approach you. and because of that, all the warmth and love deep inside of you is pushed even further down, so deep till you can't reach it anymore. and then you totally turn into hard-hearted, egoistic bitch.

and then, you lose faith in humanity.

but then, someone new comes along. someone with the same naivety as you first started out with. and this person goes out of their way to reach out to you. to drop you little notes of encouragement, or little smiles, or starts a conversation with you. even if it's just a few words, it makes your day. and slowly but surely, that layer of ice, or steel around your heart begins to disappear, and it's as if you are born again. and people will start to see the warmth and love in your heart, threatening to overflow any minute, and then they will realise that maybe you're not so bad after all. and they too, start talking to you, start reaching out to you, and you slowly open up to them. afraid at first, but then think ah heck it, it's a nice feeling, and then friendships are formed.

and then, you realise that maybe mankind isn't so bad afterall.

it just takes one.